Suppressed Feelings
by bjaarcy
Summary: Five times Blaine tried to convince himself he didn't love Kurt. And one time he gave up. A 5-and-1 fic with general s2 spoilers and rated because I'm paranoid.


This is written because I've been meaning to write a 5-and-1 fic for a while and because I've decided to do a bit of character exploration. It's kinda my headcanon/explanation for why Blaine was an asshat to Kurt. Enjoy! :3

Disclaimer: If I owned gLee, Klaine would've gone down _completely_ different. And much sooner!

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><p><strong>. : 1 : .<strong>

At various points in his day, Blaine's mind would suddenly start thinking about Kurt.

He doesn't really know why, but he's definitely not opposed to it.

Despite the short time they've known each other, Blaine has come to realize that he always enjoys his time with Kurt. They watch movies and plays together, they sing songs with each other, they have casual, strictly-as-friends dates, and they take tips from the latest issue of Vogue when they read it together.

And, Blaine admits, he always feels… _happy_ when he's with the countertenor. It's not a bad thing, he concludes, he doesn't even bother denying it to his friends that he's happy spending time with Kurt. He hardly shrugs off the spreading warmth in his chest when he thinks about it now. Blaine just makes it _very_ clear that he and Kurt are _not_ seeing each other, especially because Kurt's not fit to be romantically involved with someone at this point in his life. He just wants Kurt happy – and if he's happy, then Blaine's happy too.

Though, it _is_ distracting when Blaine suddenly starts thinking about Kurt's _smile_ in the middle of a conversation. He tries very hard to suppress his feelings about _that._

**. : 2 : .**

Blaine leaves the room because Kurt's old glee club teacher walked in asking for Kurt's help. He's vaguely aware of the cheeky grin on his face as he steps into the hallway.

He just sang "Baby, It's Cold Outside" with Kurt. They sang to each other and chased each other around the room. They shared smiles and harmonized perfectly. Blaine even got to show off his piano skills a bit. And, Blaine got to compliment him by the end of it, without any follow-up awkwardness.

Blaine marks this as a win – though, he's not entirely sure why. He decides it's because Kurt didn't roll his eyes at him for once.

As he's walking down the hall, not even noticing the questioning looks he receives because he's still grinning, Blaine very pointedly ignores the light flutter in his chest that hasn't left since he sang with Kurt.

**. : 3 : .**

Blaine meets Jeremiah over the Christmas break, having a pleasant conversation with him after the first time they bumped into each other at a coffee shop. They meet up for coffee after that first encounter a couple of times. They talk about their lives (just little things though), and Blaine finds out that Jeremiah's the assistant manager at a Gap store. He also finds out that Jeremiah's gay, and Blaine would be lying if he says he isn't happy about it.

Blaine likes it, likes _Jeremiah,_ and how things seem… for the lack of a better word, calm, between them. For the most part, things are kinda weird because they've only known each other for a little while, but Blaine's okay with that. It distracts him from other things, like how Kurt forgot to email him earlier one day when Blaine meets up with the Gap employee.

(Not that Blaine's keeping track of Kurt's emails. He just notices, really, because over the break he and Kurt exchanged emails often, and Blaine always found it pleasant to see that his inbox received yet _another_ anecdote from his diva of a friend. So, really, it's just kinda hard for Blaine _not_ to notice when Kurt doesn't email him that day. Once he gets confused about why he's so riled up over one silly email though, Blaine comes to the conclusion that it's a sign he just misses not being able to talk face-to-face with Kurt on a daily basis.)

Anyways, once school starts again, Blaine comes to the conclusion that he likes Jeremiah. And when Valentines' Day's nearing, he finds it as the perfect opportunity to express his feelings. At one point, Blaine realizes that he tells the Warblers that he's in love with Jeremiah, and though Blaine's not sure if that's true, he shrugs it off and decides that what he's feeling is close enough. From there, he manages to convince them to go through what he likes to call "the Gap Attack".

He's surprisingly happy to see that Kurt's excited by this too. At least, until he mentions the entire reason for the flash mob. Then at that point, he watches Kurt's face crumble slightly and notices how the eagerness in his blue eyes dimmed (he knows that Kurt's trying not to let this show, but Blaine knows him well enough by now to see pass the façade). Blaine tries his hardest to ignore it, because he never likes it when he can tell Kurt's disappointed or generally upset. And he hates how he _knows_ that he's the reason for causing the discontent in his friend's already crazy life. Why the fact upsets _him_ so much, Blaine has no idea though.

So Blaine does the next best thing and continues to use Jeremiah as a distraction for his conflicting thoughts about Kurt. He freaks out over the song choice and mentions to Kurt how anxious he is about the entire thing. And the next thing Blaine knows is that the Gap Attack is about _happen,_ and Kurt's reassuring him that everything will go fine.

The performance goes well, Blaine thinks at first. By the time it ends, he once again finds himself talking to Kurt and telling him how he's freaking out over everything. Then Jeremiah comes out of the store and announces that he was fired. And Blaine feels _so_ extremely guilty and embarrassed that he's sure his stomach just hit the ground. And after _that,_ the ex-Gap employee tells Blaine that they can't see each other anymore, and Blaine doesn't know what to think or feel.

He settles on anger. He gets infuriated with Jeremiah for rejecting him. He's pissed off at himself for being such an embarrassment. He gets angry when he realizes Kurt's distancing himself just a tiny bit, though it's enough for Blaine to notice because things started to get awkward for them since he announced the entire "Gap Attack" plan. He starts hating Valentines' Day even though just a few days ago he told Kurt it was one of his favourite holidays. He's verge of hitting himself repeatedly on the face when Kurt tells him that he thought that Blaine was going to ask _him_ out, and admits that he's been receiving mixed signals.

And when Kurt says that, Blaine just feels awful. Awful because he honestly had no clue. Awful because he ends up friend zoning Kurt, even though he always thought that's where they were. Awful because he used to think he was smart, smart enough to know if he was leading Kurt on. Apparently not, and Blaine just regrets everything about this Valentines' Day.

Still, there's this one moment during the Warbler's performance in Breadstix when Blaine suddenly looks at Kurt in a different way. Since Kurt's confession in the Lima Bean, Blaine's been looking at the pale boy differently now. But it's in the middle of singing "I Love You" when he looks at Kurt and sees him in a new light. He's not quite sure what to make of it, so Blaine just continues on with the performance, shaking the abrupt thought off his mind as he goes on with the Warbler's shuffle-step-turn choreography.

**. : 4 : .**

Blaine knows he's drunk when he kisses Rachel during her house party, but he's sure he's under no illusions when he actually _feels_ something as he does so.

Okay, he admits that kissing Rachel is much more different than what Blaine always expected kissing someone would be like. First off, there's the entire issue that she's a _girl_. (Blaine used to think he liked guys. Clearly, he could be wrong.) Secondly, there's the fact that she seems to be sucking his face off for what he's worth. Third, Blaine doesn't really care. He likes how it feels, likes how he's slowly getting used to Rachel's much-too-eager mouth, likes how pleasantly tingly his skin starts to feel.

Though, that could be the alcohol pulsing through him. No matter. He knows what he's feeling is really _there,_ and damnit he likes it.

So when Blaine wakes up the next morning in a bed he's sure isn't is, the only thing he isn't regretting from his disastrous night at Rachel's is kissing her. Through the pounding of his head and through the fogginess of his drunk memories, he remembers how he felt when he kissed Rachel, and he holds on to that.

Which is why he is very pleased to get asked out by her. The possibility of him and Rachel being together comforts Blaine. He's sure that things could possibly work out, and, if they do, perhaps that means there's a chance he could actually impress his father for _once_ in his life. He definitely enjoys the idea, and it's not like he hates Rachel or anything, so he wouldn't have any problem dating her.

That's not what he tells Kurt when they begin arguing in the Lima Bean though. Kurt's telling him how he looks up to the Warbler soloist, and how he's inspired by how proud and _out_ Blaine is. When Blaine deflects this, he's comparing Kurt to Karofsky of all people, and he trudges through how horrible it's making him feel when he sees the hurt in his friend's eyes. Blaine's just trying to look out for himself by now, because as he makes his point he's beginning to get consumed with anger, and he'd rather that Kurt doesn't see him like that. Doesn't see him as the confused and upset boy that he actually is.

So with a snarky and witty remark that he knows Kurt would have appreciated any other day, Blaine leaves his friend at the coffee shop. And when he starts to feel pricks in his eyes, he refuses to let anyone see, because he's just so confused and now his best friend's mad at him and everything just _sucks._

Apparently, Blaine's date with Rachel is a really good distraction from all of this. She's a little persistent with a few things, and is very open and _loud_ with her opinions, but Blaine doesn't mind. He's enjoying his time watching Love Story at the revival theatre, and he's glad that they even decided to dress up as some of the characters, because it's fun and it makes him happy and it easily takes his mind off of everything else going on.

Some time while he's mouthing Ali MacGraw's dialogue with Rachel, Blaine realizes that this is the first time in a while he's been out with someone on something other than a coffee date. And that this is his first time doing so without Kurt. He doesn't know why this suddenly starts bothering him, and he certainly has no idea why it irks him until the date ends. Still, it's enough that he doesn't kiss Rachel goodnight when he drops her home, and he uses the alone time he has on the car ride home to figure out what's going on with him. When it gets him nowhere, Blaine tries to sleep it off.

Much to his disappointment, Blaine doesn't even get the chance to sleep. Instead, he tosses and turns at night about everything that's going on with Rachel. He thinks about their date (which he enjoyed, really!) and he thinks about the kiss they shared at her party. Nothing seems off, he realizes. Everything's going well and he's still sure that he feels _something_ for the girl.

And he's still sure about all of this until Rachel abruptly kisses him one afternoon when he goes to the Lima Bean for his post-rehearsal coffee. When their lips meet, Blaine suddenly sees that – while he _did_ enjoy everything that's happened between him and Rachel – that was only because he enjoyed the _idea_ of it all more than who he was actually doing it with. And when he sees that, yes, boys are definitely his type and that, yes, he is 100% _gay,_ he thanks her. He's genuine with his gratitude as well, because it feels like a whole weight has been lifted off of him and things are clearly on the way to getting easier.

He heads off to the washroom to reapply his lip balm, because now that he's happily confirmed that he's out and proud, he has no issue with doing so. Before he even leaves his place in line though, he catches a small glimpse of Kurt. So, Blaine begins creating a complex plan in his mind to make it up to his friend after he buys his medium drip.

Turns out, the planning was unnecessary because Kurt ends up apologizing to him once their gazes meet. Once they sit down, Blaine listens to Kurt's apology intently, nodding his head and agreeing a little when Kurt says he should have been more supportive. Except for that bit, most of what Kurt's apologizing for is unnecessary, and Blaine tells him exactly that once _he's_ the one saying sorry. He can see the triumphant glint in Kurt's eyes as he does so, but Kurt's the one who's right after all, so Blaine lets it slide.

He's just immensely relieved to have Kurt talk to him again.

**. : 5 : .**

When Blaine leaves Kurt's house because Kurt was starting to get really uncomfortable with the topic of sex, Blaine is confused. Confused and maybe a tiny bit upset for getting kicked out. But mostly confused.

Blaine's a guy, there's no disputing that, so he's still admittedly fascinated by the intimacies of sexual relationships. Unfortunately, his curiosity led him having to look up various gay porn videos because he knew he definitely could not ask his father what the hell he was supposed to do if he ever had sex. It's not like any of the videos scarred him or anything (actually, he jerked off to quite a few of them), but Blaine still knows it's an experience he doesn't want to relive. And he knows it's an experience he'd rather not have Kurt go through either, especially since Kurt's so squeamish about the entire thing.

So, because Blaine's a good friend, he manages to convince Kurt's dad to talk to Kurt about sex. Sure, he had to bring up his failed relationship with his own father, but at least it gets Burt to realize that he needs to have this talk with Kurt.

For reasons unknown, Blaine feels extremely accomplished about everything he's done. He decides that he feels good because he's helping his friend out, and good friends lead their other friends away from experiences that they didn't need to have. Blaine's just very caring, is all; he really cares about Kurt. He'd be an awful friend if he just let Kurt stumble through his first time when Blaine actually has the chance to do something to do about it. Besides, it's not like he wants to have sex with Kurt or anything.

(… though, now that the image is placed into his brain, he's not quite sure if he's more excited than horrified by it.)

**. : & 1 : .**

"_I love you._"

He breathes the confession as easy as he's breathing the air around him. And, for a split second, he's tempted to laugh at himself for how long it took him to just say it.

Blaine is in love with Kurt.

_Blaine is in love with Kurt._

Blaine Anderson. is in love. with Kurt Hummel.

Everything finally feels like it's fallen into place.

All that confusion he had when he started having these feelings towards the countertenor before they even sang the Christmas duet together; all the distractions (ie: Jeremiah and Rachel) he created for himself when he didn't know how to deal with them; Pavarotti's death; going through "Somewhere Only We Know" when Kurt went back to McKinley; holding Kurt close during prom when they danced; dealing with the assholes in McKinley together, even though they now went to different schools; all of it; it's all led up to this. Led up to him finally admitting, without any dispute, that he is in love with Kurt Hummel.

And now he's said it out loud.

Blaine's not expecting Kurt to say it back; he understands now that he's been a douche to his boyfriend and completely respects if Kurt can't reciprocate because of how he acted throughout the year.

He takes Kurt's silence as a bit of a confirmation that he can't reciprocate. Then again, Kurt's silence could also mean he's still finishing the non-fat mocha latte he just gulped. Blaine really hopes it's the latter.

"I love you too."

Well, that's… that's pretty awesome to know.

Okay, it's _definitely_ more than awesome. It makes Blaine's heart jump, and the butterflies in his stomach flutter madly, and he's just hoping that he's not blatantly wearing his heart on his sleeve because that would be embarrassing.

Unfortunately, his hope is totally out the window because he's so smitten now. All he can do is continue making googly eyes at his boyfriend while Kurt says, "You know, when you stop and think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year."

This sticks with Blaine for the rest of the day, all the way until he's in his bed and saying one final, "Goodnight, I love you," to Kurt over the phone.

It baffles him a little. How can one _possibly_ have a good year when they get chased out of their old school because of a homophobic closet case, be humiliated when he returns to said school by being coroneted prom queen, and come in 12th place at Nationals?

It's then Blaine realizes that there's the "because I spent it with you" line that Kurt didn't say aloud. Didn't have to say aloud because they _know_ each other by now to know what's going on in each other's minds.

For all the crap that he put Kurt through, Blaine's surprised that Kurt even _feels_ that way, but he still very much appreciates it. Why wouldn't he? He has an incredible boyfriend who seems to forgive him no matter what he ends up doing. Blaine's pretty sure he doesn't deserve Kurt, but he'd never admit that out loud.

However, Blaine would admit that he _still_ sucks at romance. And that the fact definitely did not help him with his relationship with Kurt at first; it led to two failed crushes, feelings that he pushed away, and fights Blaine regrets having. But while he still sucks at it, Blaine can't help but feel that maybe he's getting a little better, and that it's all because of Kurt. He's supported Kurt's transfer back to McKinley, he serenaded Kurt in front of his school, he trusted Kurt when Kurt told him about Sam's issue, he was there for Kurt during their disastrous prom, and he consoled Kurt after his loss at Regionals _and_ Nationals.

So while he still has a _lot_ to make up for, Blaine can't help but smile at the thought of even having the chance to make up for it at all. And that smile turns into one big, ridiculous grin because he turns over in his bed with the thought, _I love Kurt Hummel, and he loves me back._

* * *

><p>… so, there's that. I'm sorry for the crap ending ; *le shrug*

For the record, I do not believe that Blaine realized he was in love the first time he said "I love you". There were many opportunities for that to have happened beforehand, and I will not dispute that. I _do,_ however, believe that Blaine admitting it out loud helped him realize how _much_ he actually loved Kurt.

So yeah, reviews make my day! Don't be afraid to drop off some con crit or whatever :D

x o x o bjaarcy

PS For anyone following my story "the First Week", don't worry! I'm still writing it :3

PPS I have the need to confess that the working titles for this changed back and forth between "Blaine Sucks at Romance" and "Blaine Finally Grows Some Balls and Admits He Loves Kurt" XD


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